I never thought that I could feel this way about you.  I’ve never thought you could mean so much to me. & all I want is for you to be happy, to smile. Your smile is one thing that makes me smile. (:
I think I have a thing for people’s smile. It’s the same thing, I used to find his smile the most amusing and it brings comfort to me. Similarly, your smile makes me feel so comfortable & so pleasant.
I don’t know what else in you that makes me so drawn to you suddenly. I don’t used to feel like this. One thing i know, i definitely like about you,is the way you’re always so patient with me.

But my mind is so unsure now actually. What do I actually feel for you I’m not too sure myself. But I definitely know, you mean alot to me now. More than I expect it to me. (:

& i love you always, as a friend, as whatever. <3

I trudge my way from the MRT station to the bus-stop. Along the way, everything I saw in my mind was things that we used to do along this road. Laugh, joke, giggles, talk, whack you whack me, chase after me when I say something stupid. It all flows through my mind like a river, so smooth-sailing, replaying beautiful details about our friendship. As I came closer to the HDB flats, I remembered the talks we had there, all the things that happened that caused the situation now. And it ran down to the last time I sat at the bench, on a particular day’s afternoon, trying to fix it back, trying to mend things back. Yet I started crying way before I thought I would.

All these things that I remembered as I slowly stroll my way to the bus-stop, made me feel vunlerable, weak and emotional. A such vague memories and images is enough to make turn on the waterworks. As I walked nearly to the bus-stop, passed the multi-storey carpark, I remembered all times you used to accompany me to wait for a bus. Everytime we took 156 together I would make tons of noise to make you wait together with you. Everytime I go your place, I will make even more noise and bug you to send me to the bus-stop. & we’ll sit somewhere near the multi-storey carpark, laughing, chatting and running away from ants.But everything changed, we don’t even spend a second together, nor look at each other. It’s like looking into your eyes would blind me, vice versa.

Everytime I feel sad or down, I’ll think about you for a moment, because I’m reminded of you. That’s because you used to be first person I’ll call when I’m down, you never fail to cheer me up. Sometimes you comfort, but most of the time, you tell me retarded things that were really amusing and makes me laugh. Unknowingly, you really became a great listener for me.

It’s really something I don’t want to face now. I thought 2010 would be a better year, after 2 months of break from seeing and communicating, I thought things might be better. That time would heal the wounds and make things smoother. But it only got worse, it only got deeper for me and much more hurting. Holidays were better, at least I don’t see you, I won’t brood over it so much. But in school, on an average I would see you at least 3 times a day, I never fail to brood about it.

Sigh, I don’t want to graduate from this school with regrets. What can I do, to make it up to you again. I thought I hated you for the things you said, but ultimately, I realised I can’t run away from the truth. I can’t run away from the fact that I could never hate you, even if you hate me. & if things between us never get better, I will live with this regret for life & never forget about it.

It’s now a matter of What?How?Why?When? I’m not afraid of the trials I might face on the way, but the failure ahead if I don’t succeed. God, just tell me how. & why. now.

The incident that happened yesterday left me wondering and thinking deeply last night. I feel that I really need to know why you’re ignoring me, always seemed so angry when you see me, not talking to me at all. If I known all that, I think it’s easier for me to stop thinking about you. You’re always lingering on my mind cause I ponder about a lot of things. I guess all these happens cause I’m curious & I don’t like to be kept in the dark. I really felt very uneasy after that glare you gave.

Will I ever ever know?
I’m not sure.
It sucks to be the one needing all the answers.
I’m really feeling very uneasy and restless now. I can’t settle down on 1 thing.
My mind just drifts off to another thing. /:

It’s crazily weird, suddenly I remembered what I’ve forgotten all these while. I forgotten what’s it like to like you. I can’t remember the feeling then, I only remembered what happened. & now that I suddenly remembered how I felt then, it hurts alot more now that we just don’t talk anymore. 恨你是假的，爱你也有可能是假的，但我对你的思念是真的。

It’s almost 2 months, my dear good friend. Things have not gone better. But I don’t blame you, it’s my fault after all. Last night was tragic night, maybe I just don’t like people to enforce the truth to me. Cause the truth won’t allow me to hold on to some hopes. I’m sorry about what happened in the morning, I didn’t mean it. I got too carried away by my emotions, I didn’t expect myself to react that way too. Maybe today is a good lesson for me to be really more patient with you and also to make sure I know what I want to say before I really go ahead.

But I think after this once, we won’t talk for a long long while. I’ve got reliable advice as to not talk to you unless it’s really really necessary. She said we need a break from stuff, maybe that really is it.

A way or another, this blog has become a place I talk about solely you. Because I don’t want to forget you. Because you’re so important and hold such a big space in my heart, I will hate myself if I really forget you.
& Because you mean so much to me, no matter how long this takes, it’s worth the wait. Cause you’re worth my time.
& no matter what you do, I can’t seemed to bring myself to hate/dislike you at all.

No matter what happens, deep down, I know, you’re forever my dear friend.

I’m glad your O’s seemed okay today, hopefully you’ll still get your A1.
I’m happy you did send me a “(:” yesterday, I can’t even remember how long it has been since you ever did that. I feel very wussy and niang talking about you. It makes me feel that I’m so dependent on you. But, that’s not it. I just don’t want to forget you, I don’t want you to slip away just like that. I might just forget you one day, like that happened the other time.

I looked through some messages just now, and realised what an asshole I was then. If only I wasn’t so sensitive at the start of it, if only I didn’t say those shit stuff. You gave me a chance, I gave you a chance, but I didn’t give myself a chance. When things seemed to get better, I screwed it up all over again. I screwed up the chance you gave me and make you realised that maybe we can’t be friends anymore. But that wasn’t what I really meant. And seriously, after I reread them again, I realised I’m really at fault this time, I’m so sorry. I guess my words cut you deeper than I thought. I’m really that sickening asshole that don’t deserve to be your friend anymore.
I’m sorry..
I don’t know what I can do to make it up to you.

I think this friendship really mean so much to me, I feel it everyday.
I feel like talking a piece of it everyday, cause I can’t let it slip away.

This place, is just for you.

Over the nights, I’ve thought about it.
If I were to give up, or emo about what you do, nothing will change.
But if I carry the strength to remain like this, maybe, just maybe,
after everything, after a long time, you’ll see me again.
You’ll see me as your good friend all over again, everything would be okay.
At least, better than now, better than such distance. 

I’ll remember you at every occasion, Christmas, Valentine’s, your birthday, everything else.
I’ll treat you like any one of my friends, even if you don’t.
I guess, this is the biggest challenge for me.
I guess this is really what they call, Holding on.

I guess, if I could find any like you, I would be very protective of him/her.
I won’t let any slip from me just like how you did.

I wonder is this right or wrong.
To be honest, I miss you. /:

Everyday seemed to dragged on longer and longer for me.
Everyday in school when I see you, my face automaticly gets longer.
I don’t know why, now it’s me, who can’t stop thinking about what you told me when I see you. Is this how you feel when ever you see me?
Some times, I really want to go up and talk, yet I just can’t face you so suddenly.
Yet guilt was all that fill me.

But now that you’re okay with them, I could see history repeating somehow.
Maybe this time round, it ‘s just hurting one, but never you again.
The kind of irritation and saddness I feel, I guess you’ll never know.
You never seemed to care anymore, I really just seem so distant.
And guess, all you could tell me was, just accept it.

People been telling me, time washes away hard feelings. But I think, this won’t work for us.
Been telling myself to stop thinking about it, but i just can’t get it off my mind.
She told me, cause I’m important, therefore you had a big reaction to what happened.
I guess the reaction is so big I turn from hero to zero.
I don’t blame you, its my fault from the start.

All the days I’ve been thinking about how I should carry on from here,
I couldn’t come to a conclusion, even if I did, determination was never there.
All the times I thought maybe things just got better by a little,
you crush me down right away. making hope just fly away.
Now, I would rather not talk to you, than face your coldness.
I practically remembered everything you said to me, even messages.
Every word seems to cut harder and deeper into me.
I pity my friends who needs to face such a weird me everyday.

I don’t know what’s more to say anymore.
Everytime I think about the happy memories, they seemed so far away already.
It’s like opening up to read a dust-filled book.
Like..
Jo: Shut up and Drive!
J:Oh! I drove it away!
Jo: Really ah! Go get it back!
And I remembered getting slapped.

J: One by One
Jo: Two by Two
J: Where’s three?
Jo: Three is dead.
J: It ran away.
Jo: How you know?
J: The spirits told me!
Jo: REALLY? DID THEY TELL YOU I WILL STRIKE LOTTERY?

The weird and funny times we used to have.
Now, they are all gone.
I hate myself for always thinking about the past,
but that’s all I’m holding onto to believe something will work.
Cause I admit I can’t bear to let you go.
Cause I admit you’re an important friend to me.
Cause I admit everytime I see you, a part of me seemed to fall apart.

I just miss it all.
But I also ruined it all. :/